Jokes & quotes about dogs
This collection of jokes & sayings
have been sent to me by e-mail. I hope I'm not infringing copyright!
The dog & the leopard
A man decided to go on a safari. He took
his faithful dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies
and before long the dog discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he
notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of
The dog thinks, "Oh boy, I'm in deep stuff now." Then he notices some
bones lying nearby on the ground and immediately settles down to chew on the
bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "That was
one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, and slinks away into
the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog
nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree,
figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from
So off he goes. But the dog sees him heading off after the leopard and figures
that something is amiss. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the
beans about the dog's ruse and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The
leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Hop on my back,
monkey, and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine. "Now the
dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "Oh
boy, it looks like I've really had it now."
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to the leopard and the
monkey and pretends that he hasn't seen them. And just when they get close
enough to hear him, the dog says... "Where is that monkey? .. I
sent him off an hour ago to get me another leopard and he's still not
The Otago Daily Times.
male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl
who LOVES to play.
love long walks in the woods, riding in your Ute, hunting, camping and Duck
shooting, cozy nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me
eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be
at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave
me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call (03) 475-6420 and ask for Daisy.
15,000 men found themselves talking to the Otago branch of the SPCA about
an 8-week old black Labrador retriever. Men are so easy.
A child is visiting her dog-loving friend. The child is interested in zoology and asks her friend, "Is there any animal without ears?"
Her dog-loving friend replies, "Sure, a rather young puppy."
Today's Clean Laugh - "Parking
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at a Super
Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my
Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.
She was stretched, full-out, on the back seat and I
wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb
backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you
stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, a very pretty young lady,
gave me a strange look and said,
"Why don't you just put it in park"?
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10 Reasons Your Dog's hair cut costs more than yours
10. Your hairdresser doesn't wash and clean your rear end.
9. You don't go for 8 weeks without washing or brushing your hair.
8. Your hairdresser doesn't have to give you a sanitary trim.
7. Your hairdresser doesn't have to clean your ears.
6. Your hairdresser doesn't have to clean boogies from your eyes.
5. You sit still for your hairdresser.
4. Your haircut doesn't include a manicure or pedicure.
3. Your hairdresser only washes and cuts the hair on your head.
2. You don't bite or scratch your hairdresser. (I hope not anyway).
And the Number 1 reason your dog's haircut costs more than
1. The likelihood of you pooping or peeing while your hair is being cut is
Exercising With Your Dog
You've seen those ads on TV promising amazing results from all sorts of
contraptions. Well, there's no need to invest in fancy equipment. If you
have (or can borrow) a dog, you have everything you need to get in shape
now! The following exercises can be done anywhere, anytime.
Inner Thighs: Place the dog's favorite toy between thighs. Press tighter
than the dog can pull. Do not attempt bare legged - dogs who favor
shortcuts to success will just dig the toy out. You could be damaged.
Upper Body Strength: Lift the dog - off the couch, off the bed, out of
the flower bed. Repeat, repeat, repeat. As the dog ages, this exercise
is reversed - onto the couch, onto the bed, into the car and so on.
Balance and Coordination, Exercise 1: Remove your puppy from unsuitable
tight places. If they're too small for him, they're certainly too small
for you. Do it anyway!
Balance and Coordination, Exercise 2: Practice not falling when your dog
bounds across the full length of the room, sails through the air, and
slams both front paws into the back of your knees.
Balance and Coordination, Exercise 3: (for use with multiple dogs)
Remove all dogs from lap and answer the phone before it stops ringing.
Balance and Coordination, Exercise 4: (alternate) For older dogs,
attempt to cross a room without tripping over the dog. Get off your
couch without crushing any part of a sleeping elderly dog.
Upper Arms: Throw the ball. Throw the squeaky toy. Throw the Frisbee.
Repeat until nauseous.
Upper Arms: (alternate) Tug the rope. Tug the pull toy. Tug the sock.
Repeat until your shoulder is dislocated or the dog gives up (we all
know which comes first).
Hand Coordination: Remove foreign object from dog's locked jaw. This
exercise is especially popular with puppy owners. Repeat. Repeat.
Repeat. Remember, this is a timed exercise. Movements must be quick and
precise (think concert pianist) to prevent trips to the vet, which only
offer the minimal exercise benefit of jaw firming clenches.
Calves: After the dog has worn out the rest of your body, hang a
circular toy on your ankle and let the dog tug while you tug back.
WARNING: This is feasible only for those with strong bones and small
dogs. Have you taken your calcium supplement today?
Calves: (alternate) Run after dog - pick any reason, there are plenty.
Dogs of any size can be used for this exercise. Greyhounds are
Neck Muscles: Attempt to outmaneuver the canine tongue headed for your
ear, mouth, or eyeball. This is a lifelong fitness program. A dog is
never too old or too feeble to "French Kiss" you when you
least expect it.
"If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog
biscuits in your
pocket and then giving Fido only two of them."
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new
dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like
"HellOOOooo," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs
are not our whole lives, but they make our lives whole." Roger Carras
WHAT I ASKED FOR,
WHAT I NEEDED
When I got my new dog
I asked for strength that I might rear her perfectly;
I was given weakness that I might feed her more treats.
I asked for good health that I might rest easy;
I was given a "special needs" dog that I might know nurturing.
I asked for an obedient dog that I might feel proud;
I was given stubbornness that I might feel humble.
I asked for compliance that I might feel masterful;
I was given a clown that I might laugh
I asked for a companion that I might not feel lonely;
I was given a best friend that I would feel loved.
I got nothing I asked for,
But everything that I needed.
I got a dog
Howard came home from work one evening and there was his wife
Miriam in the kitchen crying.
"I just don't know what to do," said Miriam.
"Because we were eating in for a change, I cooked us a special dinner - but
the dog has just eaten it."
"Don't worry," said Howard, "I'll get us
I have a great dog. She's half Lab, half pit bull. A good
combination. Sure, she might bite off my leg, but she'll bring it back to me.
Dogs are our link to paradise. They don't
know evil or jealousy or discontent. To sit with a dog on a hillside on a
glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden, where doing nothing was not boring --
it was peace.
*A Dog's Diary*
5:30am: Started the day as a hero! When the sound of the newspaper hitting the driveway roused me from my deep slumber -- the impact
indicating the paper was much heavier than normal -- I realized that no one in the house was yet awake! I roused my master by licking him in
the face. He appeared very angry with himself for having overslept, shouting and waving his arms. His ill temper even seemed directed at
me a bit, which is silly since it is I who saved him from being fired. Funny thing though: He didn't go into work, but spent the morning
leafing through the large newspaper and drinking coffee. He seems to
do this once a week, and I don't know why.
7:30am: Invaders! The people who live next door came out into their yard, obviously getting ready to lay siege to our house. Snarling and
barking, I let them know in no uncertain terms that I was prepared to tear them from limb to limb it they came any closer, and was able to repel the invasion. This is an almost daily occurrence; you'd think
they'd learn. My master added his voice to the fray as well, yelling angrily. I am sure the people couldn't hear him, but it was nice of
him to lend his support.
10:00am: I was forced to move, as the patch of sun in which I was lying had, for some reason, slid over a few feet. It's not easy being a
1:00pm: I have the most thoughtful master in the world! While it's
true he left me alone in the house for several hours, he did set out a treat for me on the kitchen counter. It was even gift-wrapped, a courtesy I
wish he'd skipped, since it led to me having a lot of plastic in my teeth. The roast was delicious, though frozen in the center. I
want to seem ungrateful, but crunching through two inches of rock-hard beef is hardly my idea of a delicacy.
2:00pm: Most unpleasant experience when my master returned home and was furious that I had not eaten the plastic wrap which had been covering my present. He kept pointing at the small pieces of Styrofoam and other
debris and raving in a most irrational fashion. I'm sorry, but he should know that I can't eat that stuff; it makes my stomach upset.
When he began rolling up a newspaper I realized he'd lost all reason and bolted for the front door, which was fortunately open just a crack.
4:00pm: Spent the afternoon with the girls. A most productive day; I was able to mark territory for two blocks. "Drip 'til you
drop" is our motto. We had a small snack at an outdoor cafe we like, with meat scraps and bread served out of circular containers with easily displaced lids. Ran into that rogue Sebastian, who lifted his leg with
irritating nonchalance -- does he think I don't know about his obsession with
Muffy, that snotty schnauzer from down the road? Last month there wasn't a male in the neighborhood who couldn't be found outside her fence, and Sebastian was at the head of the pack. I let him know I
want nothing more to do with him.
5:00pm: What a treat! On the way home a flock of ravens drew my attention to a squirrel that had been flattened by
After several days in the sun, the aroma was so delicious it made my nose quiver. I rolled in the wondrous fragrance for several minutes, and
when I stood up I positively radiated eau de roadkill. Let Sebastian drool over Muffy -- he doesn't know what he's missing.
6:00pm: Of all the times to get a bath! My master, still in a foul mood, made me stand outside in the chill air while he shampooed and rinsed me several times. Every time I shook the water from my fur he, too, became drenched, and in the end he was shivering. Why in the
world does he do stuff like this?
9:00pm: Time to sleep, though I am not allowed on the bed whenever anyone's home. Ah, the life of a dog.
"The wolf will hire himself out very cheaply as a
- Russian Proverb
Always drink upstream from the pack.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
When I say move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each
other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print
middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your
and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help,
because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry
this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure
comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can actually
in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to
space used is nothing but sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the
edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door
entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine or
feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's butt. I
stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who
short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for
all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never
your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or
don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes,
need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can
boys were gathered round a dog in the street. A Pastor stopped and asked them
what they were doing. “This is a stray. We’re having a competition. The one
who tells the biggest lie, gets the dog,” said the boys.
it’s wrong to tell lies! When I was your age, I never told lies,” said the
you win. We’ll give the dog to you,” said the boys.
A man saw a little girl throwing dinner rolls at her collie. "
Why are you throwing dinner rolls at your collie ? " he asked.
The little girl replied " I want puppies, but Mommy says she has to be
bred (bread) first ! "
A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well –
The greatest pleasure of a dog is that you make a fool
of yourself with him, and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a
fool of himself too.
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got
our whole lives ahead of us, and you're worrying about a stupid
burned out bulb?
BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up
DACHSHUND: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
ROTTWEILER: Make me!
BOXER: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
LAB: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I?
Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
GERMAN SHEPHERD: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the
dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter
patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls
OLD ENGLISH SHEEP DOG: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light.
POINTER: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there........
COCKER SPANIEL: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
CHIHUAHUA: Yo quiero Toco Bulb.
AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle.........
GREYHOUND: It isn't moving. Who cares?
THE CAT'S ANSWER: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs.
So, the real question is "How long will it be before I can expect some
light, some dinner, and a massage?"
ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE
you can start the day without caffeine,
you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
you can overlook when people take things out on you,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
you can face the world without lies and deceit,
you can conquer tension without medical help,
you can do all these things,
you are probably the family dog.
your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
Never trust a dog to guard your food.
A man called his dog "Twice." It wouldn't come when he called it
Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes.
Treat your dog like a king, and he'll treat you like a dog.
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
-- Mark Twain
Things we can learn from a dog
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride. When a loved one comes home, always run to greet them. Take naps, and stretch before rising. Be loyal. Never pretend you're something you're not. When somebody is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently. Avoid biting when a growl will do. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. Bond with your pack. Allow the experiences of fresh air and wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Why a Dog is Better Than a Woman
A dog's parents never visit you. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink. A dog never expects you to phone.
A dog will not get mad if you forget its birthday. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you. A dog does not shop.
A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop. This can also be done to human's crotches.
A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards;
the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting,
rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home
Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require..... especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.
Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return. If not, you can always sniff their crotches.
Vet's Tale by Martha Hardison
A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. So, I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head when I had finished. After the fourth puppy, I noticed my talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized, too."
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